Horizontal Lives

True Tales of the Infamous Courtesan: Persephone N. Hades and her Horizontal Life underground. How she got there, her mis-adventures and her struggle to re-surface.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

A Wonk or Two from Willie

Along with my other three phone numbers,
I have a phone line dedicated to first timers calling me from my Website.
When they dial, they hear a two-minute out-going message that goes something like this:

(Spoken in a soft, giggly, Marilyn Monroe voice that I seem to have that most people say sounds like a little girl. I’m not sure why because when I hear myself I think I sound very grown-up. We never hear ourselves as others do, I guess?)

"Hi. This is Geisha. I thank you so much for calling. Just a few things I want to tell you so I thank you for taking a few minutes to listen. Um. I’ve taken a lot of time to build a Website that I hope you’ll take the time to look at. On it you’ll find lots of information about me and about our visit together, and things like my rates, lots of accurate up-to-date photos, my schedule as to whether or in town or not, things like that. So if you haven’t already found it, the address is: www.xxxxx.com.
Also, if we haven’t met before, I prefer to meet for the first time at my place, which is a very discreet location in Manhattan. I do do ‘out-call’ but if it isn’t a problem, I really like it if you come to me. This is because it gives me the opportunity to create a really special atmosphere for us.
I do prefer a two-hour minimum because it helps me lift what might be an ordinary experience into what I hope will be an extraordinary one. Um. I tend to get booked a little bit in advance so last minute appointments are kind of rare, so if you can plan ahead a bit, we will be able to get together.
Lastly, for my own safety and security and for yours as well, I prefer to call you back at your office through a switchboard. So if you decide to leave me a message please leave me your last name, your first name, your office number and any way you would like me to identify myself for your discretion.
Oh! And one more thing. When you leave your number, please! Leave it sloooowly, as I’m a bit—hugely—dyslexic and if I can’t get your number, well, I can’t call you back.
So, thanks for listening and I look forward to the sweet adventures we will create together."

During a busy week, I receive between 10-60 phone calls.
On a slow week, 1-9.
I don’t book all of them and many are ‘fakes’ just calling intrigued but never meaning to make an appointment.

A typical batch of calls taken verbatim from my machine covering the last few days:

"Uh. Yeah. Hi, Geisha. Jeez that was a long message. My name is Bob Bobby. I have seen your website and I got to compliment you on it. It’s very creative and uh, very different than the other’s I’ve seen. Anyway, I was looking at getting together next Tuesday in the evening. Give me a call back at: 212-222-2222. I’ll say it again. 2-1-2-2-2-2-2-2-2-2. I’m dyslexic too by the way. Ha ha! And you can say you’re Betty from American Express Travel. Okay. I hope to talk to you soon. You’re very beautiful."

(This one I’ll call back. He followed all my instructions, was very polite and sounds like he truly wants an appointment.)

"Miguel Migelus. 212-111-1111." Click

(No call back to this one. Probably just masturbating by his computer hoping for a quick call back and female voice to finish to. Or, could be a cop just 'fishin'.)

"Hey Geisha. This is Frank. We met already about 6 months ago. Give me a call. I want to see you again."

(Right. No number. No last name.
I appreciate the idea that he feels we were so intimate that I automatically know him by the sound of his voice but I know at least 300 ‘Franks’ and why, pray tell, if you have a name like ‘Frank’, or ‘Bob’ or ‘John’ or ‘Jane’ or ‘Sue’ or anything like that, wouldn’t you say your last name? I mean, just out of courtesy?

"Hey Geisha. This is Frank again. I forgot to leave you my number. 212-333-3333. Can’t wait to kiss those lips again."

(Okay. Now I have the number but still no last name.
So now I’m off to my files for a ten-minute scavenger hunt.
My files are in alphabetical order by first name so I have to search all the "F’s" and then all the "Frank’s" to find the number that matches him.
I know I could just call him back, but what if indeed I haven’t seen him before?
Or, what if he’s someone I don’t want to see again because he cancelled on me at the last minute?
Or, what if he’s someone I really like? If I call him and don’t know who he is immediately, he’ll be insulted.
So I search the files.)

"Hi Geisha."

(Uh-oh. A woman’s voice. Women’s voices on this line always send my heart into a pounding fury. A woman’s voice can only mean one of three things:

Either it’s an advertising site drumming up business. Sigh. That’s okay.

Or, it’s another escort looking for a referral on a client. Sigh. That’s okay but a bit disheartening, as it’s never fun to know one of my clients is seeing someone else.

Or, lastly, it’s an angry wife/girlfriend/fiancé who wants me dead.)

"My name is Dawn and I’m an escort too and a client gave me your number for a reference. I’m coming to New York to work for a week in May. His name is William Williams. Can you call me back and let me know if he’s all right? Thanks Geisha. You’re the Best.

Oh by the way. I’ve been looking at your website for a long time and really love it and I think it’s really inspiring so I think it’s really cool to get to see a client who knows you. Bye. And thanks! Oh. Dawn. 518-222-2222."

(Reluctantly, I will call her back. It so bugs me when girls tour around and visit cities.
It means they don’t have enough business where they live or enough repeat clientele and it usually cuts into my business because they are ‘fresh meat’.)

"Hey you fuckin whore. (‘giggle giggle’---the anonymous male voice imitates my laugh) are you fuckin kidding me? A thousand dollars—suck me you whore. Oh and by the way, tell your doctor he really fucked up--you got too much Collagen in your lips. You look fuckin ridiculous." Click


"Hi. It’s Hans Hammer. I saw you last week and I just called to say ‘thank you’. I think that was singularly one of the best sexual experiences I've had in my long life. I don’t see ladies twice so I won’t be seeing you again but I wanted to take the time to tell you you are a very special lady and I’ll never forget you. Bye Geisha and thanks again."

(Why won’t he see someone twice???
Nice call but so frustrating. Even if you do your best and things go well, there’s still no guarantee.)

"Nick. (Pause) Trabino."

(Cold monotone voice—how enticing. What a smart way to get a lady to call you back for an intimate meeting.)

"212-666-6666." Click.

(Nick calls at least once a month. I rarely call him back. He has a ‘history’.
Nick is a Lawyer. Nick once booked with a friend of mine and stood her up.
The one time I actually spoke to Nick and not his voicemail, I explained to him, that because of what happened with Paulina, he would be welcome to see me, but I would just ask that he pay in advance before I booked the appointment. He took down my mailing address and never sent anything.
Since that time, he calls, leaves his name and I ignore it.)

And yes, here it is, Willie’s Weekly:

(Willie is no one I know or ever hope to know but for some bizarre, stalker-kinda-reason, he thinks he and I are in a relationship. Although I have no idea where he lives (I tend to think not in the State of New York) he speaks with a thick, goopy Southern drawl dripping with familiarity as if we’ve just spoken a few moments ago and he’s just continuing the thought.)

"Geesha. This is Willie. Ah wuz juss goin’ ta give you a cahwil…(pause, pause)…um…this is rilly luv…(pause pause)..lot a wee-ad theengs. Ah’m goin be havin a tahwuk with you ebout you’re non-profit companee…(pause) Ah juss rilly wann a rid-hidded baby an if Ah merried you, Ah theenk Ah could hev a rid-hidded baby…um…Ah’ll tahwuk ta you…you need ta cahwil me back ebout this, awl-rye?" Click

"Geisha. Bill Balone. Janet is out of town and I find myself with some free time. I know it’s last minute but if you can do it tonight at 8 at the Regis give me a call back. Sorry about calling on this line but as usual I misplaced your cell number. Bye. Thanks. Look forward."

(He always loses my cell number and he always calls at the last minute and because of these two things, I rarely get to see him.
Maybe he doesn’t really want to get together? Just likes the thrill of the thought of it?)

"Hey it’s Michael. Call me back. 212-999-9999."

(Ugh. This guy and I had fights over the phone.
He calls me at least once a day if not more and I’ve never met him. And I will never meet him.
When he first began calling, I asked him to identify himself with a last name as well and give me a work number. Neither can he seem to do.
By the hundredth time he called, I told him that if he couldn’t seem to follow my very simple instructions, he was not someone I wanted to see and please do not call again.
He continues to call as if nothing was ever said.
Now he is the only "Michael" I recognize by voice alone.
Passive-Aggressive? Or just made his mark.)

"Hello Geisha. This is Don Donnie. We have an appointment tonight at 8. Unfortunately something’s come up and I’m not going to be able to make it. Sorry. I hope this give you enough notice."

(It doesn’t. It doesn’t because not only have I turned others away from the time-slot he occupied all week, but I rarely get last minute calls.
And also, because, even though he has my cell number, he chose to cancel on my work line that I sometimes don’t call into everyday if I’m already fully booked.
I put a note on his card: "Cancelled Last Minute. No Cancellation Fee or Offer of One. Couldn’t Re-Book Time. Pay-in-Advance.")

Gathering those messages takes half-an-hour.

I return the call of the Escort, leaving a message that indeed the Client is ‘fine and nothing to worry about. In fact, very nice. Wish them a lovely meeting.

Then, return the call to "Bob Bobby."
We book a time for the following week.

Find Frank’s card. Remember who he is. Recall he is a Taurus. Wish him a happy upcoming birthday.
Make an appointment for his Birthday next week.
Offer him three-hours for the price of two, as a gift for his Birthday.

I won’t have time to check my messages again until the morning, so just in case, I make one last call back to my machine.

"You have ONE new message."
A message has come in during my callbacks.

"Hey Geesha. This is Willie. Ah’m hopin you’re a vegetareen dahehter bicawz Ah know thet the vegetareen dahet is a good dahet and a vegetareen dahet is awl inywon should have…that’d rilly be a great trait ebout you…(pause)…n’ hilp me be more inta you…(pause)…alriddy into you…um…Ah’m gonna swipp you awaf a your fee-aht…why don’t you cahwil me back?…Ah nid to speek ta you ebout this…um" Click

And I guess it must be Friday.
Can’t call it a Week without a wonk or two from Willie.


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