Horizontal Lives

True Tales of the Infamous Courtesan: Persephone N. Hades and her Horizontal Life underground. How she got there, her mis-adventures and her struggle to re-surface.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

TriBeCa Pussy

Me: Should I open it now?
He: I was looking for something ‘Mermaids’.
Me: That’s Okay. It’s so sweet of you to bring me a gift.
He: Hey. A gentleman never comes calling empty handed.
Me: I love that rule. (opening the package, revealing two intertwined, dark blue, blown glass Dolphins) Oh wow. They’re gorgeous. (Kissing his lips) Thank you so so much. I love it.
He: But ‘Mermaids’, my dear, are very difficult to find.
Me: Well yes! That’s why they’re the stuff of Myths.
He: Ah ha.
Me: But you know that Dolphins are the Husbands of Mermaids right?
He: I didn’t know that.
Me: Who else would be?
He: I hadn’t thought of it.
Me: You know how Dophins f*ck?
He: How?
Me: Do you know?
He: I know how Lions do it.
Me: How?
He: Did you know that Lions have a double-headed Penis?
Me: No! What?
He: They do.
Me: What do you mean? Does a Lioness have two Pussies? Or does she like it both front and back at once or what? What are you saying? And by the way, this is an interesting piece of information to have at the tip of your brain.
He: Well, to repeat what some pretty little girl once said to me—
Me: Who me? What did I say?
He: My brain is chock full of all sorts of seemingly useless tidbits of information.
Me: That’s true. It is. Tell me about the Lion’s dick then my brain will be even fuller.
He: He has a double-headed dick because the female has, on the inside, two exact and complete sets of reproductive organs.
Me: Not two vaginas.
He: No, two sets of ovaries, two uteruses—
Me: Huh.
He: And did you know pigs—
Me: Oh yeah. Weird huh? A Corkscrew Cock. But do you think, based on the Lion-Lioness Theory that the male matches the needs of the female, that a Lady Pig, La Pig, has a corkscrew shaped vagina?
He: See now that I couldn’t say.
Me: Incomplete research.
He: Afraid so.
Me: Okay. But do you know how Dolphins do it? You like Dolphins right? Beautiful gentle creatures?
He: (nods)
Me: When a female Dolphin is in Estrus, bunches of male Dolphins, heaps of ‘em, gangs of ‘em descend upon the poor little girl and forcefully gang-bang her within and inch of her life.
He: No.
Me: Yup. I had a Dolphin try and f*ck me once. I did. Wanna hear about it or is it a boring story?
He: You’ve done a lot of things to me, but boring me has not been one of them.
Me: Not yet.
He: Not yet.
Me: This could be it then.
He: Try me.
Me: Stop me if I bore you.
He: Would you tell me already?
Me: Alright. Alright. So I’m on a dive, I used to Scuba Dive before I became neurotic and claustraphobic, and I’m on a dive in Tortolla which is one of the best places I’ve ever dove, and I’m on this dive with six guys and me and some of the guys have brought their new underwater video equipment to try out, so we actually have it on tape in case you don’t believe me—
He: Somehow I believe everything you tell me—
Me: You do? (Kissing him on the cheek) I love that. Thank you.
He: So you’re on the dive—
Me: Right. And we’re about 60 feet down and I’m wearing a mask like this (I cup my hands around my eyes to make ‘blinders’) so I can’t see unless I turn around, you know? So we’re all just diving and suddenly I feel this really hard push against my back and I spin around to see who bumped into me but everyone else is nearby but just into their own thing. Then, I float down a bit lower and I’m checking out a Lobster when I’m hit again from the side. Now I get a little panicky. I’m holding my regualator in my mouth, trying not to suck up too much air. So I siddle over to the Dive Master and I poke him in the shoulder and I write on my slate ‘something bumped me—HARD’. He reads it and lifts his shoulders in a ‘I-don’t-know’ gesture. We all drift a bit further and it happens again but this time I spin around fast and see something gray and huge swimming away in the distance and my heart starts to bang and of course, from a distance, it looks a bit like a Shark so I’m starting to freak out. Just as we’re starting to make a slow ascent, from out of nowhere it seemed, his enormous Dolphin, a Bottlenose, comes right at me and bashes his nose really hard in between my legs. I think it actually lifted me up a few feet. This guy was either rough or didn’t know his own strength. And it was just to me. I mean there’s six of us and he’s only doing all this to me.
He: He knows a cutie when he sees one.
Me: Oh c’mon! First of all, in all that equipment I look more like a deranged Grouper than anything else—
He: Suddenly I’m hungry for Grouper.
Me: Behave yourself boy. I’m in the middle of a very dramatic story here.
He: Who’s the boss.
Me: That’s right. Who’s the boss?
He: You.
Me: Oh you are a very smart boy.
He: I try.
Me: And you will be rewarded. But so then, now everyone sees it and the guys got the cameras going and he circles around again and heads straight for me and I think it might be fun to catch a ride, you know? And you know how Dolphins are. In the water, they look like they’re swimming so slow and graceful, but uh-uh. Uh-uh. I reach out and grab onto his dorsel fin and last oh, maybe four seconds. These creatures are flying. They go so fast. Maybe like 30 miles an hour. My mask fly off my face. My regualator is yanked out of my mouth and everyone circles around me to help me get my mask and reg back on so I don’t die at 60 feet under. Finally, we get back into the boat and we’re zooming back and everyone is yapping really enthusiastically about this unplanned Dolphin encounter and I’m just sitting there shaking both from the thrill of it and the fear of what just happened. And the Dive Master says to me, "Not to be too personal, but do you have your Period?" "I do." I answered. "That must be why." He says. "Why? Why? He smelled blood? I always thought that was a Shark attractor, not a Dolphin thing." "He smelled female sexuality, most probably."
He: He was lustin’.
Me: Apparently yes. He was a lustin’. And can you imagine? What if I only had a bikini on instead of an entire wetsuit? I would have been f*cked by a Dolphin.
He: I hear they have huge appendages.
Me: Not my thing. I don’t have room. I have a small apartment chock full of furniture.
He: Oh you have a very fine little apartment.
Me: Hey. But doesn’t make you think about this: Okay. The Lion has a dick to match the Lioness right? And for all we know, La Pig has a corkscrew vagina. Do you think that male dicks are made to suit female dicks of all species?
He: I’m going to wash up. (He stands to go to the bathroom)
Me: But wait. But wait. Oh. Is this making you uncomfortable?
He: Only in that for some bizarre reason that I don’t want to think about, it’s making me horny.
Me: Okay but wait. So what about guys who have in-humanly enormous cocks? Like this: (I hold up my forearm with a fist balled up at the end). I once met a guy like that and I’m like, ‘I’m so sorry. There’s no place I have to put it.’ There isn’t. You can’t even give a good blowjob. You mouth is just like, (licking just my thumb) ugh, erg, slurp and ugh. There’s nothing to do. And it certainly won’t fit down here. Ain’t enough KY in the world.
He: C’mon. I always heard women love big dicks.
Me: Women with empty apartments, maybe. You’ve heard of that right?
He: What?
Me: The ‘empty apartment’ syndrome.
He: No. What’s that?
Me: And it’s not based on the outer size of the girl either. You never know until you’re right in there. You never heard of that?
He: Tell me.
Me: Two small stories. Reader’s Digest versions, I promise. The first one was when I was working for an agency for this woman named Ellen, there was this girl who worked there named Charlise. She was the tiniest little thing—about 4 foot 11 and about 85 pounds. Adorable. And really sweet too. But for some strange reason I could never figure out, once she saw a client, she never got back for a second time. It was a mystery really. So one Christmas Eve, I was at the office, and it was just me and Ellen—the only two Jews, right? Working Christmas. And it was really slow, so Ellen, who usually didn’t socialize, came out into the living room to smoke a cigarette with me and somehow we got on to Charlise and I asked Ellen why she thought it was that Charise never got a ‘call-back’ and Ellen takes a drag and says flatly, ‘empty apartment’.
He: Did you get what she meant?
Me: Of course not. But I didn’t dare ask. But so then, a little while later, I get my first ‘couple’ call. I’m pretty nervous because I’ve never done one before and I’m not sure what to do or what to expect. I get there and the woman is gorgeous. A famous Fashion model. Tall and blonde and square-jawed and really really skinny. Like she weighs what I weigh but she’s like ten inches taller. Bones sticking out everywhere, on her chest even. And he husband or her lover or her guy or whatever he was is big and Greek. So she’s naked on the bed with her butt up in the air and me and the husband are behind her. And he’s got this monster size dick that I’m praying I don’t have to attend to. And he tells me to finger her pussy. So I do. I do it the way I would like it, slow and soft and gentle using just one finger, when all of a sudden he grabs my hand, balls it into a fist and pushes it against her pussy lips. I’m looking at him and silently shaking my head ‘no’, because frankly, if someone tried to do that to me he’d be dead. But he is stronger than me and shoves my entire fist into her. Which not only slides in easily but goes all the way up to my elbow!
He: No.
Me: Yes. And the weirder thing was, once I’m in there?
He: Yeah?
Me: Oh you like this story now, don’t you.
He: Two girls. Wet pussies. Yes. Yes. I would say I do.
Me: See how you are?
He: Geisha.
Me: Okay okay. I’m in there and I never felt anything like it before. Here she is this skinny girl and inside her it’s all smooth, like there’s no little feel-ee things. It’s like all open space.
He: Like you could fit several dicks in there.
Me: It was a Loft.
Me: You could furnish an apartment and still have room to hang Art.
Me: Right. It was a TriBeCa Loft.
He: She had a TriBeCa Pussy.
Me: She did. But so the point is—
He: There was a point?
Me: Oh my god. You gotta hang on buddy boy. I’m coming around full circle.
He: How could I ever doubt you?
Me: This’ll teach ya. So the point is, her husband, or whoever he was to her, who had this monster dick, was perfect for her TriBeCa pussy. See what I mean?
He: Elaborate.
Me: Ugh. Ok. The Lion and the Lioness. The Pig and La Pig—
He: Yeah yeah, but—
Me: So after that, I went home and in the cab on the way, it got me wondering, fist of all, how did they find each other. I mean, he was probably just looking to date a model. And she was looking to date a rich Greek guy maybe. But imagine their secret delight when they fit! And so that made me start looking up animals and their sexual mating rituals and genitals and all that.
He: Or maybe, she just put an ad in Match.com saying only men with huge furniture—
Me: And Art to hang—
He: Need apply.
Me: Possibly.
He: I’m exhausted already.
Me: Too tired to go move some furniture?
He: I only have a small table and a lamp.
Me: That’s all I have room for. I can’t afford a place in TriBeCa.


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