Horizontal Lives

True Tales of the Infamous Courtesan: Persephone N. Hades and her Horizontal Life underground. How she got there, her mis-adventures and her struggle to re-surface.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

The Curing of The Princess Who Always Felt the Pea


Once upon a time in a Kingdom very much like this one, a Queen was getting old and she wanted to make certain her precious son, Prince Philip III, and her beloved Kingdom was passed on to a daughter-in-law that was worthy.
The woman her son married must be a true Princess, she insisted.


This was confusing to the Prince because he loved the ladies and the ones he especially liked he couldn’t bring home to meet Mama.


But the Queen was wise and had a plan.
"We will invite each lady of the Kingdom to spend one night in our guest room and see how she fairs."


This excited the Prince thinking of course that he got to test them out himself.


Unfortunately this was not his Mother’s plan.
"No" she said, leading him into the guest chambers. "We will put a hundred mattresses, one on top of another and she can climb to the top by a ladder."


The Prince was confused.


"Under the bottom mattress," said the Queen, "I will place a hardened little pea. A true Princess will be the only one with enough sensitivity to feel that pea and that’s how we will know who the real Macoy is." (Actually she didn’t say Macoy. But you get the idea.)


And so they came, night after night, gorgeous, blonde, tall, willowy, delicate-featured, stacked and sumptuous.
And every morning the Queen would ask,
"How did you sleep my dear?"
And every one of them would say, as they stretched their luxurious arms over their tousled manes,
"Oh just divinely. I have never had a better night’s sleep in my life."
With that, the Queen, much to the dismay of the Prince, dismissed them.


Finally, the Kingdom had no more Maidens to test.


On a gloomy rainy night following, the Queen was in despair in her study drinking a long hot shot of brandy when there came a banging at the Palace Gates.
Standing soaked in the rain was a short little wench with a big nose and striking features.
"Please may I have lodging for the night?" she begged.
The Queen acquiesced and led her to the guestroom.


In the morning, the girl, gathered her things and said to the Queen,
"I want to thank you for your hospitality, but oh, I had such a rough night. That bed was so full of lumps and bumps that I am afraid I am bruised from head to toe."


The Queen had found her Princess and thus, the Prince and she were married and lived very unhappily but not ever after.


For you see, the little Princess was too sensitive and needy and this really bugged the Prince who was really hoping for a woman of a little less emotional maintenance.
So, blaming his mother, he was granted a divorce so he could lead a more ‘lazy-boy-chair-life’.

And the little Princess went on her way as she had when she first came, finding lodging and kindness in many lumpy beds.


Years later, the Princess, distraught by her years of bumps and bruises, went to seek consul from a Leprechaun Doctor.


After asking many questions, the Leprechaun gave her a Magic Pill.


Just as the Princess was about to swallow the pill, the Leprechaun spoke:
"There might be some unpleasant side effects you should be aware of."


"What kind of side effects?"


"Possible weight gain, but unlikely."

"No Problem." The Princess replied. "I smoke."


"And also, " the Leprechaun continued, "a numbness during sex, perhaps hampering the ability to orgasm."


"Well, I rarely orgasm anymore anyway. In fact, I tend to be a bit too sensitive ‘there’, jumping at even a forceful breath. I tell them, ‘gentler’, ‘softer’, ‘slower’, but they don’t seem to understand. I am tired of trying to teach. I would rather just not feel the Pea so deeply."


"There’s nothing wrong with feeling the Pea, you know." Said the Leprechaun.


"It makes it very difficult to live in the Fairy Tale."


"It’s up to you."

And with that, The Leprechaun left her with the Magic Pill to do as she decided.


The Princess took the pill.
After a week had passed, she noticed a change.
Although she was still aware of the Pea, she no longer bruised from its hardness.
And then, a most miraculous side effect occurred.


The pill did have a tendency to numb her in ‘that place’, but ironically, that made sex much better as she could now enjoy rather than endure the touch of her suitors.


She thanked the Leprechaun most profusely and now lives, happily ever after.
Orgasming as much as is possible—(depending on the skills of her suitors).
Conscientiously taking her Effexor every day.


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