Horizontal Lives

True Tales of the Infamous Courtesan: Persephone N. Hades and her Horizontal Life underground. How she got there, her mis-adventures and her struggle to re-surface.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up


I am writing this from a very cozy warm apartment.
It wasn’t always so.
I used to write until my fingers froze and I could write no more.
I had to defeat the Doctrines of Chairman Mao to get this beloved new heat.


In the movie, "Breakfast at Tiffany’s", a young girl named "Holly Golightly" (a ‘working girl’) lives in a brownstone on the East Side of Manhattan.
Her landlord is a Japanese fellow, played by Micky Rooney, and mainly embarrassing because Micky Rooney is of course, not Japanese.


He is terribly upset with Miss Golightly and would like nothing better than to get her out of the building.
"Some-a day, Miss Golightly. Some-a day! I’m-a gonna call de Vice-a Squad on you."


His stereotypical portrayal used to make me cringe, until my brownstone building from which I work, was purchased by a Chinese man, who too, would like nothing more than to have me out.


I try to understand him because I know he came over from China escaping a childhood under Mao.
I try to understand him because I know he comes from a culture where women are second to men.
I try to speak in a submissive, begging, female tone, allowing him to keep the power of his manhood, hoping this tactic will get me what I need.


But he has been wearing my patience thin.


My refrigerator breaks. I call him.
"Oh-a well maybe you do something to break it."
"No. It just broke."
"I think maybe you push it too-a hard."
"No. It just broke. (Pause) The refrigerator’s been here since before I moved in ten years ago. It’s old."
"Oh-a. Well, I-a see what I-a can do."


Three weeks pass. I have no refrigerator.
Call repair.
They fix it for $267.00. Reasonable.
Subtract the amount from my rent with the receipt attached.


Call from my landlord:
"Oh-a Miss Hades, you can-a not just deduct from de rent. I-a not gonna cash you-a check. Den I-a gonna have you evicted."
"I waited three weeks. I had no other choice." (Whiny, pleading soft high voice.)
"You could-a wait. I say I-a gonna get someone to come."
"But it was three weeks."
"You should use-a ice. You can-a buy from de store."
UGH.


He doesn’t evict me because he knows he can’t. Not yet. He hasn’t caught me yet.


Winter arrives. And every Winter the same scenario.
No heat during the day from 11pm at night until 3 in the afternoon the following days.
Same conversation everyday, every year, year after year.


"Hi John. This is Persephone. Gee I hate to bother you but do you think we could get some heat? It’s 13 degrees outside and I’m really cold."
"Is not cold. You gotta put on sweater."
"John. It’s cold. Please. My radiators are cold to the touch."
"You are de only one in de building dat complain. Something wrong wid you-a."

"There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s just freezing. (Pause.) I don’t want to call the Housing Board to report Heat violations. Please just give us some heat.""If-a you call de Board, I-a gonna evict you."
UGH.


There is a Roach in my apartment.
(NOT brought in by the Hassidic Client.)
NO. It’s not a Roach. It’s a brown crackle-y fist with legs, wings and antlers.
I have a client coming in less than two hours.
The Beast is attached to my ceiling and will dive at any moment.
I know I can’t take my eyes from it or it will evade me.
For 45 minutes I watch, can of Raid at the ready.
Finally he falls.
Mad chase ensues.
Spray the entire apartment with Poison and still the Roach won’t die.
With no more canned resources, I pour a bottle of Coke on it.
It dies.
Will never drink Coke again.


Call John.
"John, I just wanted to let you know that my apartment is invaded by roaches. When are you supposed to spray?"
"I-a spray all de time. Why you-a call-a to bug me? Dis is New York. You don-a like bugs you should-a move."
(Sigh) "That’s not possible and not the point. You’re supposed to spray. We don’t even live above a restaurant.""You don-a like, you call exterminator for yourself."
"I shouldn’t have to. That’s the landlord’s job. I mean, isn't it?" (Little girl non-threatening voice.)
"I-a spray."
"Well maybe you could get them to come to my apartment when they come?"
"If you-a bother me again, I-a gonna have-a you evicted."
"But why should I have to pay thousands a year for an exterminator when it’s your job?""I don-a mind to have bugs. You can move if-a you don like."
(Click.)
UGH.


UGH, because, I know that although he can’t prove it, technically, I’m doing something illegal in my apartment.
Namely 1. Running a business from a residence.
And 2. A business of making love from which I happen to receive ‘gifts’.
So UGH, because I’m trapped with no heat and no repairs if I want to stay here.
And I do.


I do because although my rent is $2000 a month, that’s still cheap for New York.
And I do because the layout of my building is perfect for my business.
No doorman to mark comings-and-goings.
Neighbors that are hardly home.
My apartment is the first floor of a walk-up so my guests tend to go unnoticed.


Except, apparently, by my landlord.


One day, through no fault of my own, (thank goodness), a pipe in the ceiling above my bedroom bursts, pouring buckets of water through the ceiling fan and onto my floor, my carpet and my lovely bed.
All during a session with a new client.
Shuffle the client out promising to make good on the time in the near future.


Call John. It’s after midnight.
He is none to pleased.


"There is a flood streaming into my room. My entire bed is soaked."
"I-a tink you warwe rude to call dis-a late."
"John. I’m sorry to wake you but I can’t sleep here and there’s water pouring in by the gallons."

"You-a have a big imagination. You make tings-a bigger and you exaggerate."
"Please come up. Please. I’m sorry."


Ten minutes later, he arrives.
Surveys the damage.
Waterfall still gushing from the ceiling.


"Why you-a not call sooner. I tink you be-a warwe irresponsible. You let dis go and-a now it a emergency. I could have-a you evicted for-a dis."


(Sigh. Eyes wide. Incredulous.)


From his cell phone, he dials the emergency plumber.
Silent together, we wait.
He stands watching as I place every available towel on the bed, the floor, the rug, the desk, the computer.


Breaking the stand-off, he turns to me with a big fat sucking smile, wolf-in-sheep’s clothing.
Grin on face, knife behind back.


"Oh-a. So I-a notice you have-a many many men clients come to-a see you everyday." (Nervous, fake-jovial annoying giggle.)


"Men and women. I have a lot of friends. And as you know, since I’m a writer and work from home, they like to come visit me. Aren’t I lucky?"


"Oh ho. Lots a men clients I see come-a here."
"Not clients. Just friends."


"Sometimes you-a so loud I have to turn-a my radio all de way up."
"Oh I’m sorry."
"All de way up. You-a so loud."
"I’m sorry. But I lived here when you took over the building and embarked on two years of unceasing construction from 7am to 8 at night, every day. My apartment filled with dust and roaches and most of the days it sounded like the walls were going to fall down."


The Plumber arrives just in time.
No more is said.
But at least I know what he thinks he knows and what he doesn’t yet have evidence for.


I lay low.
Buy space heaters.
Blow out my fuses with all the heaters.
Keep the oven door open.
Fix my appliances at my own expense.
Contract an exterminator at great cost.
Live with it.


A client comes over.
A Lawyer.
He inquires as to why all the space heaters.
Briefly fill him in on my ongoing ‘Holly Golightly-esk’ battle with my very own ‘Mr. Yunioshi.’
He’s seen the movie, and laughs.
I don’t.


Suddenly he becomes ‘The Goose that Laid the Golden Egg’.


"He can’t evict you."
"Yes he can. If he found out what I do…""He can’t evict you."
"How not?"
"First of all, how can he know? You could just be a big ole Slut."
"Thanks."
"Doing it for free, I mean. Nothing illegal about that. This is a free country. You’re free to be a Slut."
"Just not a Slut that makes it into an Art Form?"
"Correct."

"Hmmm."

"Second, if he wanted to find out, he’d have to see you on the Internet and set you up."
"What if he does?"
"Possible but not likely. Even if he did, and you were caught, he still couldn’t evict you."
"He couldn’t?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"He just can’t."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"God, I love you!"


Two days ago, it’s freezing outside and of course, inside.
I call John.
No more begging.
No more pleading.
No more Mrs. Nice Girl.
Sorry about your Mao childhood.
Sorry about your Manhood.
This is War.


"John. Hi. This is Persephone from upstairs. I need heat."
"You have-a heat. De thermometer is set for-a 70 degrees."
"Yes, but the timer doesn’t go on until 3pm. I need heat now."
"You de only one in de building that complain."
"I don’t care. I live here. I pay rent and I refuse to live my life in a winter coat while inside my paid-for apartment. Put the heat on NOW."

I hang up.


Ten minutes later, the heat comes on.


Sometimes, when in doubt as a woman, be a man.


Ah, the power of knowledge!









18 Comments:

At 12:30 PM, Blogger Dr. Bodah said...

I heard about this natural breast enhancement pill. My friend said it made her boobs huge.

 
At 7:52 PM, Blogger N.M. said...

Hi, I know about that:Breast Enhancer. My mother gave it to me last year when my breasts weren't growing... I thought they never would!

 
At 10:57 PM, Blogger N.M. said...

Hi what's up?? I found this site about Natural Breast Enhancement. It came with a free giveaway of that DermaTend Mole Remedy. Cool

 
At 1:51 AM, Blogger Nevada News said...

Oh totally. big breast enlargement pills are the real thing. My best friend took some and ended up married - wait... that's why I am alone now..?

 
At 3:41 AM, Blogger Hobbs Hottie said...

Breast Implants may be a thing of the past - I took these herbal pills - and they work.

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger hplauze said...

All I can say is WOW Persephone N. Hades. The other half and I just got back from our friends house (well her friends house) and I needed a huge break. I am working on a project right now that is based on stem cell from umbilical cord blood . I have literally been on-line for 2-3 hours doing research. Even though The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up really isn’t on the same page as stem cell from umbilical cord blood I am certainly glad I came across your blog. There are a ton of great view points on this blog. Well I think I can here the kids screaming in the background. I put you in my internet favorites and I will certainly come back and visit. If you want to take a peek at my site you can find me here at stem cell from umbilical cord blood . I update my site very frequently. Again, great job blogging and I will be back again soon!

 
At 3:17 PM, Blogger Lou said...

my ole saggy boobies are waking up again. i used this breast enhancer pill and it really works great on me. my breast turned to up for the first time in years, i took the breast pills and i really have boobs - made my 54 years look 30 - Thank you.

 
At 6:43 PM, Blogger Derek said...

All I can say is WOW Persephone N. Hades. The other half and I just got back from our friends house (well her friends house) and I needed a huge break. I am working on a project right now that is based on cord blood stem cell banks. I have literally been on-line for 2-3 hours doing research. Even though The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up really isn’t on the same page as cord blood stem cell banks I am certainly glad I came across your blog. There are a ton of great view points on this blog. Well I think I can here the kids screaming in the background. I put you in my internet favorites and I will certainly come back and visit. If you want to take a peek at my site you can find me here at cord blood stem cell banks. I update my site very frequently. Again, great job blogging and I will be back again soon!

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

All I can say is WOW Persephone N. Hades. The other half and I just got back from our friends house (well her friends house) and I needed a huge break. I am working on a project right now that is based on stem cell from umbilical cord blood . I have literally been on-line for 2-3 hours doing research. Even though The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up really isn’t on the same page as stem cell from umbilical cord blood I am certainly glad I came across your blog. There are a ton of great view points on this blog. Well I think I can here the kids screaming in the background. I put you in my internet favorites and I will certainly come back and visit. If you want to take a peek at my site you can find me here at stem cell from umbilical cord blood . I update my site very frequently. Again, great job blogging and I will be back again soon!

 
At 5:40 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Sad to say I just got back from a bowling tournament and decided to log in and do some websurfing. Persephone N. Hades I love your blog. I had some very good laughs. I am doing a paper on cord blood stem cell banks and have been downloading information for the last hour. I don’t know how I came across The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up but I am glad I did. It has set me back a little because I have spent the last hour reading your archives. If you don’t mind I would like to add you to my favorites so I can back again and read some more. Well I need to get back to cord blood stem cell banks. I am almost finished with it. Great job.
p.s some very good points on your blog

 
At 12:24 AM, Blogger Derek said...

Hey Persephone N. Hades. Very nice blog :0) I just got inside from washing and waxing my truck. It is my baby. Took me 2 hours though. So I settled down into my basement and started doing some web surfing. Anyways I am in the process of grabbing my masters degree and have spent the last 6 months researching stem cell from umbilical cord blood . In the midst of my surfing I landed smack dab in the middle of your blog. I hope you do not think I am intruding but I must say it is great blog. Even though The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up is way off base from stem cell from umbilical cord blood I found myself cruising through your blog archives for the last half hour :0) You have some nice blogging friends. Anyways, I need to get back to my mission. I wrote don’t your url and feel free to visit me here at stem cell from umbilical cord blood . I am so busy so I can only update my site monthly. Keep up the great work

 
At 1:19 AM, Blogger Derek said...

Well I just got back from the gym and I am beat. I am currently doing some research on umbilical cord blood preservation and stumbled across your blog. Which cracks me up really. The internet can certainly land you off base sometimes. Even though The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up is not completely related I think it is a cool blog. I have read back through the archives and lots of people make some very good points. Well I have been on-line forever it seems. I need to continue to plug away at umbilical cord blood preservation . If you have the energy swing by umbilical cord blood preservation . I try to update my site weekly and maybe you will see something you like. I already snagged your URL and put it in my favorites. If you do not mind I will be back again. Great job!

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Well I just got back from the gym and I am beat. I am currently doing some research on collection of umbilical cord blood and stumbled across your blog. Which cracks me up really. The internet can certainly land you off base sometimes. Even though The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up is not completely related I think it is a cool blog. I have read back through the archives and lots of people make some very good points. Well I have been on-line forever it seems. I need to continue to plug away at collection of umbilical cord blood. If you have the energy swing by collection of umbilical cord blood. I try to update my site weekly and maybe you will see something you like. I already snagged your URL and put it in my favorites. If you do not mind I will be back again. Great job!

 
At 5:01 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Sad to say I just got back from a bowling tournament and decided to log in and do some websurfing. Persephone N. Hades I love your blog. I had some very good laughs. I am doing a paper on cord blood family trusts and have been downloading information for the last hour. I don’t know how I came across The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up but I am glad I did. It has set me back a little because I have spent the last hour reading your archives. If you don’t mind I would like to add you to my favorites so I can back again and read some more. Well I need to get back to cord blood family trusts. I am almost finished with it. Great job.
p.s some very good points on your blog

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger cmeltifa said...

Well this blog certainly is not about cord blood stem cell banks. What the heck! I guess the internet can play some tricks on us sometimes. I have been on-line for two hours
researching cord blood stem cell banks and came tumbling across your blog. I LOVE IT! I needed a break from cord blood stem cell banks anyways :-) If you don't mind I want to add your
blog to my favorites list so I can come back later on and read some more stuff. Well I guess I should get back to researching cord blood stem cell banks.
Even though my search is not on The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up I am glad I came across your blog. Keep blogging away!

 
At 4:11 PM, Blogger cmeltifa said...

What up Persephone N. Hades! I just finished up a ten hour work day and decided to kick back and do some surfing. So I grabbed myself a drink and stumbled across your blog while doing some research on cord blood information for a upcoming project I am doing. Well even though The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up isn’t what I was looking for I really enjoyed reading your blog. Your doing a great job and please keep up the good work. Lots of people do not keep their blogs up to date :0) There are some very interesting view points stated here. Anyways I am going to grab the bull by the horns and continue to plug away at cord blood information. I have already bookmarked your blog. You many want to visit me at cord blood information. You never know you might see something you like! Again great job

 
At 8:09 PM, Blogger hplauze said...

Well I just got back from the gym and I am beat. I am currently doing some research on cord blood spinal supply and stumbled across your blog. Which cracks me up really. The internet can certainly land you off base sometimes. Even though The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up is not completely related I think it is a cool blog. I have read back through the archives and lots of people make some very good points. Well I have been on-line forever it seems. I need to continue to plug away at cord blood spinal supply. If you have the energy swing by cord blood spinal supply. I try to update my site weekly and maybe you will see something you like. I already snagged your URL and put it in my favorites. If you do not mind I will be back again. Great job!

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger hplauze said...

Hey this blog is not about collection of umbilical cord blood. Silly internet bringing me here :-) Funny I have been doing hours of research on collection of umbilical cord blood and it brought me to your blog on The Children of Mao--All Grown-Up. The web plays funny games sometimes. Anyways, I was reading your blog Persephone N. Hades and I think it is really cool. Keep up the great work.
If you do not mind I will snag your blog and put it in my favorites. I read a ton of stuff on here that interested me. Keep blogging away :-)

 

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