Horizontal Lives

True Tales of the Infamous Courtesan: Persephone N. Hades and her Horizontal Life underground. How she got there, her mis-adventures and her struggle to re-surface.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Sick Comedienne

Not fond of the flu, you?

Everyone in my household down with it. Called my client for this evening to warn him of my germs. Answers that he has a strong immune system and wants to see me anyway.

Douse myself with Contact Severe Cold and Flu Tabs, Advil and of course Red Wine.

(See? There are some things I have faith in the French for.)

Independent contractors can’t call in sick. No paid Holidays or Sick Days.

Client and I go an hour Overtime. Both our faults.

My fault because we got onto talking about fish sex and I was amazed to find out that some fish actually have Penises. Guppies for instance. News to me. And then Turtle sex which he had personally witnessed and of course I had to hear all the details of.

His fault because he held off cumming until I gave him an ultimatum.

Leave my apartment to head home. Exhausted and ill. The Contact has worn off. Sit in the back of the taxi hacking and sniffling. Silence. I’m in my thoughts, the driver, whom I've never met before, is in his.

Three quarters of the way through our trip, truly out of nowhere, the cab driver says,
"We really have to do more this year."

My eyes pop open in the dark of the back seat. My head moves sharply from one angle to the other. Unsure of how to respond. He is looking at me in the rear view mirror waiting for a response.

"What did we do last year?"

He cracks up. Really cracks up. A fat, round, delicious, uninhibited, spontaneous laugh that makes me smile, forgetting my misery for just a moment. Is now laughing so hard he pulls the car over for a minute to wipe his eyes. We idle on the side of the road.

"What did we do last year?" he repeats my words. "You crack me up."

"I can see that."

"What did we do last year. Ha! You’re funny."

"But you said, ‘we really have to do more this year.’ I’m just saying I don’t remember us doing anything last year. Or in fact anything at all but tonight."

"I mean we just let last year go by so fast."

"Well whose fault is that? I don’t remember you calling me, sending flowers, wine, tokens of your affection."

"If you keep talkin’ like that, I’m not gonna be able to drive."

"You started it."

"This is 2005, right?"

"Yes it is."

"And last year was 2004."

"Must have been."

"And it went by so fast."

"I guess it did."

"I got a Palm Pilot." he says.

"Oh, well, that’s good. (Pause. Leaning forward toward the open window between us.) "Are you ready to drive again?"

"Yeah. (He puts the car in gear, heads back onto the road.) "So what do you think?"

"I think you should have called me more often. Then we wouldn't have to have this conversation."

"There you go again."

"So you’re going to schedule more things to accomplish in your life with the Palm Pilot?"

"That’s what I was thinking. What do you think?"

We are pulling up toward my block.

"Right. Right. (He is about to pass my street.) Right to what you said but turn right, here."


"Yes. Now just stay to the right and I’ll tell you when."

"So what do you think?"

"I think it’s a great idea. Here. Stop here. Thank you. Keep the change."

"Keep it? Thank you Ma’am."

"Extra funds so you can woo me better this year so this topic doesn’t have to come up in 2006." I wink.

"What did we do last year…you crack me up."

I slam my door shut. He drives away still laughing.

I’m still baffled. What did I say? This cold has fogged my brain.

All's good. Gave him a laugh.

Who knew the flu could make me so hilarious?


At 7:58 PM, Blogger BeckoningChasm said...

A very interesting encounter. Thanks for sharing!

At 9:29 PM, Blogger Samurai Warrior said...

Since this is a "comedy posting," I remember that Geisha told me one time when we were together that I felt good insider her.

Wonder if she remembers the Groucho Marx show "You Bet Your Life"?

Groucho was asking a woman how many kids does she have?
She said 7.

Groucho said 7? That's a lot of kids, why do you have 7?
She responds by saying "because I love my husband".

Groucho responds "I love my cigar but I take it out every once and a while!"

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