Horizontal Lives

True Tales of the Infamous Courtesan: Persephone N. Hades and her Horizontal Life underground. How she got there, her mis-adventures and her struggle to re-surface.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Chicken of the Sea

Prize-Winning Phone Call of the Day.

Return the call of a man who left a message on my work-line-voice-mail.
In his message to me, he sounds stable enough: Stating his full name, his cellphone number. Tells me he cannot leave me a switchboard number at his work (as I request on my out-going message) because although he is 45, he has retired early and is therefore giving me his cell phone. That’s all.

I return his call leaving my cell phone number simply saying, "Hi. My name is Geisha. You called me yesterday and I am returning your call. You an reach me on my cell at:…"

When his next return call comes in later today, I'm in the middle of my daily scurry—one hour before ‘show-time’, racing about to do hair, makeup, cleanup, lights, candles, sheets, open wine, deodorize apartment, check messages, return calls, ‘The People’s Court’ in the background.

Me: Hello?

Him: Is this Geisha?

Me: Yes it is.

Him: This is Bob. I called earlier?

(Question: Why, if your name were something rather popular, wouldn’t you, out of kindness, give your last name? Especially if you are calling someone who has never met you before? My name is not very popular and yet I always give my first and last name. Puts me in a terribly awkward position. Here I run a business of intimacy and therefore feel pressure, albeit self-imposed, to remember every soul that calls whether I met him a year ago or never.)

Me: (Attempting to be subtle and polite even though I haven’t a clue which ‘Bob’ is on the line.) Oh, um, yes?

Him: So I wanted to make an appointment for later tonight.

Me: Gosh. I’m so sorry. I get booked just a little bit in advance.

Him: So you’re not free tonight?

Me: Well, I’m never free...(ha ha)

Him: (Not amused) You mean you can’t tonight?

Me: No. Tonight I'm already booked. But I’m open on Thursday? But I would need to screen you first before I made an appointment with you.

(With all the possible dangers in my business, I choose to follow a strict screening process that I never falter from. I am never greedy. Even if I’m not booked, I don’t just take someone because I ‘think’ they’re ‘okay’. That got me in to trouble in the past, and I won’t repeat that mistake.)

Him: I told you I was retired.

Me: No, I understand that but perhaps you could give me a reference from another Lady you’ve seen. We do it all the time in my business. Other people call me and ask about clients I’ve seen and I happily give them a reference.

Him: Well it would have to be someone from overseas.

Me: I see. (Pause) Okay. Is she listed on the Internet?

Him: I found you in a guide called "America 3000’.

Me: I never heard of that.

Him: They put numbers in of all the escorts.

Me: (Huh? Escorts? I am a Courtesan and hate to be relegated to that title. Something is amiss.) Have you seen my website?

Him: No. I’m not in Westchester right now.

Me: (Not quite sure how that follows but guess--) Is that where your computer is?

Him: Yeah. So can I just ask you a question?

(I sigh. This is taking an unusually long time. I am setting my hair with one hand as the phone balances precariously on my left shoulder giving me a slight crick in the neck.)

Me: Okay.

Him: Do you do dominatrix fantasies?

Me: I do fantasies. I have a very good imagination. But honestly Bob, dominatrix fantasies, although I’ve played them in the past are really not what I do. There are so many people out there who do that and it’s their specialty—

Him: So you do or you don’t.

Me: I could do something light—

Him: Well can I ask you something?

Me: (Panicking as I notice the time tick away on the clock) Sure.

Him: Can you be really mean sometimes?

Me: No. Not at all, in truth.

Him: You can’t be mean?

Me: No. (Pause) I really think you should take a look at my website. Then you could see what I’m about and once you looked at it, I think you would discover that I’m actually quite the opposite.

Him: Okay, but can I ask you one thing? (Pause) Are you there?

Me: I’m here. I’m just listening.

Him: Don’t you get really angry at stuff and want to take it out on someone.

Me: No. Not really. I get angry but I don’t go to that place. You know what I think? I think, when you get back to Westchester, you should go online, and on the Eros site, there is a listing of women who do that service and you’ll find plenty of people to choose from there. I just don’t think I’m ‘the one’.

Him: Okay. But can I ask you one thing?

Me: (Sigh) Mmm hmm?

Him: Are any of them as beautiful as you?

Me; Well thank you. I think there are plenty of amazing looking women out there.

Him: But I want you.

Me: (Bingo! I’ve heard that line before. Years ago. Fell for it. Got arrested.) Well, I’m sure there’s someone out there who is just as beautiful that has the talents for what you desire.

Him: But can I just ask you one question? Do you have any friends who are as beautiful as you who like to be mean?

Me: I really don’t.

Him: No one.

Me: No one.

Him: Really.

Me: Bob. I have been independent for so many years. I rarely come in contact with other girls. And the only ones I do work with, one lives in Australia and is not in town and the other is on vacation. But I really think, if you go onto Eros—

Him: I just want you. Can I just tell you what I have in mind?

Me: I think it’s better if you just take a minute to look at my website first and see if I am really right for you.

Him: Can I tell you what I am looking for?

Me: Why don’t you look at the site and if you still think I’m ‘the one’, call me back, I’ll check your reference, we can set up an appointment and then I would be happy to hear your fantasy in detail.

Him: But can I just tell you first what it is?

Me: (Cornered. I have to let him or there is no way off this phone call.)

Him: It pays $20,000 a day.

Admittedly my ears perk up, but the rest of me knows this is probably bad news. Or as Judge Judy says, "If it doesn’t make sense, it’s probably not true." Also she says, "If it walks like a duck, and sounds like a duck, it’s a duck." Still I let him tell me.

Him: A dominatrix I know who lives in London has an apartment on Park Avenue with a full-service dungeon set up. This would be a long-term thing. Like two or three weeks, 24 hours a day—I mean I know you have other things to do, but like essentially, 24 hours a day.

Me: Uh-huh…

Him: You would meet me in the apartment and basically keep me kidnapped there and torture me. You could stay there or I could put you up in a five-star hotel nearby.

Me: Uh-huh…

Him: And I don’t believe in ‘safety words’—you know what I mean?

Me: Um-hmm…

Him: If I say ‘stop’ I expect you to ignore me and keep torturing me more.

Me: Mmmm.

Him: Can you do that?

Me: You know what I think? Quite honestly, and this is why I wanted you to read my website first, the money you’re offering is very attractive of course and I wish I could be the right person…but the way I am, the way I work?, I really want people who seek me out, to get all they are hoping for and expecting and I would hate to take your money and just not be able to offer you the experience you are hoping for. Do you know what I mean?

Him: But can I ask you one thing?

Me: Yes. One thing more.

Him: Can you tell me what you look like?

Me: (UGH! How can he want ‘only me’ and doesn’t even know what I look like? Big clue.) Okay. Well. You can see pictures of me on my site. But for now, um, I’m petite. About 5’4". Weigh about 102lbs. 34D-22-34. Long blond-ish-red hair to my waist. What else can I tell you?

Him: Who do people say you look like? Can I ask you that?

Me: I look like myself. (I can hear by his pause that he want’s a movie star.) Someone once said I look like a cross between a blond Angelina Jolie and Jessica Rabbit. But I’m not sure I agree.

Him: The cartoon character? Okay. They’re both hot.

Me: And then I was also told I look like 'Julia Roberts with tits'.

Him: Hmmm. Sounds good. So can I ask you one more thing?

Me: No love. Bob. I am so sorry. As much as I wish I were capable, I just don’t think I would be able to do what you need me to do. And I have this weird stake in making people happy.

Him: Bye. (Hangs up abruptly.)

Now I’m in trouble. Twenty minutes before curtain, and I’m a half-hour behind. Even turn off the TiVo to sharpen my concentration. A desperate act if you understand my addiction to these court shows.

Cell phone rings again. NO caller I.D. Suspect its Bob again but must answer anyway in case it’s my soon-to-be-here appointment.
It is. It’s Bob.

Him: Geisha?

Me: Yes, this is me.

Him: It’s Bob. We just talked?

Me: Yes love. What can I do for you?

Him: I was thinking about it and you were so nice over the phone and your personality and all and I know it has to be you. So can I ask you one question?

Me: Mmm?

Him: What if we just did a shorter thing—not like the three weeks but just like a couple of hours—

Me: That would be fine. I do two-hour sessions usually. But first I need you to look at my website and—

Him: I told you I wasn’t in Westchester! (This comes out a bit too terse.) Why do I need to look at your website?

Me: Because I prefer you to.

Him: But I was thinking, we could just do a few hours and it didn’t have to be heavy stuff at first. It could just be light dominance, like tickling. Have you done tickling torture before?

Me: (True, I have done dominance and humiliation in the past but I abhored it.) No. Never tickling. But I’m sure you could teach me and I have a good imagination and I’m sure I could learn. So that would be fine.

Him: Okay. So let’s do that.

Me: Okay. So as soon as you view my website, and if all the information I’ve posted there, jibes with you, call me back with a reference and we’ll make an appointment.

(No reply)

Him: Can I just say one thing?

Me: Um hmm.

Him: Just let’s set up a time to meet first so we can talk about all I want and then we can make the appointment.

Me: No. I’m so sorry sweetie. It’s just not the way I do things. I really think it’s best if you look at my site, then call me back with a reference and we can take it from there.


Me: Hello? (Pause) Hello?

Him: Yeah.

Me: Okay?


Dial tone.


You’re right: A bit Kooky but could have been sincere. And yes, astounding cash.

But see, he could have been a cop setting me up.
He could have been a rapist.
He could have been a serial killer who targets ‘women of my gender’.
Or, yes, he could have just been a ‘normal’ (and I say it in quotes) guy, looking for dominance.

Why didn’t I take him?
What was the tip off?
Do you know?

Give you a hint:
Not the nutty way he talked.
Not the silly way he prefaced everything by asking me if "Can I just ask you…?"
Not the apartment was set up like a dungeon.
Nor even the extreme need for pain and humiliation.

It was the money.

Yes. I could be wrong and then, oh well. (Warning: Cliché coming)—"Better safe then sorry."

But I know from experience, just a few little things:
No one offers more than they have to.
It’s a bait line.
And I hear it. I hear it because I am no longer a fish.
I am hungry, but not greedy.
I am a Dolphin. I am a Mermaid.
I discovered this as I was being arrested years ago.

Dolphins and Mermaids know to stay away from The Deadly-Blind Tuna Nets.

And the Fly-Fisherman.

If they want to stay in the Sea.


At 9:07 AM, Blogger Samurai Warrior said...

Right you are Geisha. No one pays more than they have to. That would be reckless and why would you want to deal with reckless people? They're dangerous! On the other hand, if some one offers a $20,000 tip, that's different. I'm sure you would feel that it was well deserved! Great if you can get it.

At 10:20 AM, Blogger Ninja said...

Chicken of the Sea.. Wasn't there a tuna named "Charley"? Remember the commercial "Ask any mermaid you happen to see, what's the best tuna? Answer: Chicken of the Sea...

I have spent 8+ hours with Geisha and have never found her to smell fishy. There was a dolphin I rode in Orlando named Rose but she didn't smell like Geisha either. Geisha does remind me of Daryl Hannah in the movie "Splash". Not that she smells like Geisha but that she looks like she is as much fun as Geisha, as mermaids go...

At 6:50 PM, Blogger Roger Rabbit said...

Hey JESSICA (aka Geisha) Honey. Why haven't you told everyone that you broke out of Toontown? We all miss you! How can anyone think you look like anyone other than Jessica Rabbit? Don't forget you were built from the ground up to look beautiful, seductive and alluring. How's life? May be your blond hair has thrown some of those humans off?

I remember when I was fast forwarding some of your old movies that I hadn't seen to find the part you played.

Never had any trouble finding you. That red hair of yours could always stop a charging bull on a dime. Do you miss it?

I had a "little extra time on my hands" during my flight to Las Vegas so I thought I would write you this note. I'm actually coming back to Toontown on Thursday and not Friday. Too bad you can't pick me up at the airport in your famous limo all dolled up and "take me to bed or lose me forever". Of course, you would also have my favorite drink waiting for me -- Love Potion #9, shaken not stirred.

The weather is great in Vegas, 66 degrees. I hear its in the low teens in NY. Well stay warm. Heard that I missed the Porn Conference in Vegas last week -- shucks. Do you remember if prostitution is legal in Toontown? I can't remember.

Love always,

(the only rabbit that you have trouble keeping up with!)

P.S. If you like my note, you're lucky my flight was only 4.5 hours. What would I have come up with had it been longer?

At 1:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gee Roger..I've missed playing 'paddy-cake' with you! And yes, everything consensual is legal in Toon town!
Jessica Rabbit


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