Horizontal Lives

True Tales of the Infamous Courtesan: Persephone N. Hades and her Horizontal Life underground. How she got there, her mis-adventures and her struggle to re-surface.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

The Toyota Courtesan

If I lived in L.A. I’d spend money on my car because that’s where I would be spending the majority of my time. Since I don’t live in L.A., but rather in New York, I don’t need a car. And since I spend most of the hours of my life in bed that’s where I put my money.

I have an elaborate bed, to put it modestly. It is a four poster, swirling, queen size canopy, with tons of a million-thread-count fluffy comforters and pillows. About the size of an SUV.

(Sports Utility Vehicle—You know. One of those gas-guzzling monsters the Americans so adore?)

My client and I are now lounging in the afterglow of ourselves. The room is dark but for the candles flickering, casting a romantic glow, set just so to make my skin look creamier than it actually is.

(Ahhh…the tricks of the trade.)

He: So if you move, you’ll have to get a car.

Me: I know. And I’m dreading it. I am THEE worst driver in the world.

He: I don’t believe that.

Me: I am! You actually have to focus when you drive. It makes me very nervous.

He: What kind of car do you think you’ll get?

Me: I don’t know. What do you think I should get?

He: If you’re nervous about driving, maybe you should get an SUV. They’re bigger and safer.

Me: I could never drive one of those! It would be like trying to park the State of Rhode Island.

He: No! There’s not much parallel parking anyway. Mostly head-in parking.

Me: Either way, you can’t see around an entire State. I think I should just get a little Vesper and call it a day.

He: You’d like an SUV. Very roomy.

Me: They’re like, AS BIG AS THIS BED. No wait. You’re right. Wouldn’t it be great? Driving this bed into a store? Me waving. (I mime waving as if on a parade float.) Sitting naked on my bed. (My hands steer an imaginary wheel.) Driving it right into Wal-Mart.

‘Hello. Hello. Here’s my credit card. Thank you very much.’

They should do that, you know? Make a car just like this bed. Put wheels on it. Call it:

The Toyota Courtesan.

He: Now that’s funny. The Toyota Courtesan.

We're now both giggling at the concept.

Me: No. No. Wait. And then the other car companies would have to jump on the bandwagon. Soon there’d be The Honda Hooker.

He: The Volkswagen Brothel.

Me: The Lexus Prostitute.

He: The Ford Escort.

Me: Oh my god. They already did it! There is a Ford Escort, isn’t there?

He: We thought of it too late.

Me: And…The Ford Probe! That already exists. What were they thinking?

He: They were thinking just what we’re thinking.

Me: You think? The Ford Escort and The Ford Probe. That’s like a day in my life. Maybe Ford should continue and make The Ford Strap-On.

He: Then Hyundai would just come up with The Hyundai Dildo.

Me: It would get way out of hand. If they just put wheels on my bed and called it The All-Terrain SUV, 12x12, Toyota Courtesan, well. I’d buy it.

He: If they ever did, I’d place a bet you’d never lack for passengers.

Me: It’s perfect for those that lead a very horizontal life. What do you have?

He: Me? I have an Audi, but—

Me: But?

He: But—

Me: But what? Now you have an Innie?

He: Ha ha. Now I have an SUV.

Me: Don’t you wish they had Toyota Courtesans?

He: First of all, in your case, no such thing, 'cause if they put wheels on this bed, it would have to be a Mercedes Courtesan. And you’d have to buy, not lease. You’d put too many miles on it.

Me: Thank you and good point.

We sip our champagne.

Me: It’s not gonna happen is it?

He: Doubtfully.

Me: So I’m back to the Vesper.

He: How are you going to carry your groceries?

Me: Well, my love,

‘I have always depended upon the kindness of strangers.’


At 2:52 AM, Blogger ali said...

in an odd twist of fate....
i work for toyota.
i'll forward those comments to product planning, for consideration in future model years.
you should call in, and suggest it. 1-888-TOYOTA-8. here to serve you.

At 9:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is quite a coincidence! I wonder what they would think! xx Persephone

At 10:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Honda Hooker! I love it!

At 12:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, they say 'sex sells' and ruminating on my life--so it does..why not cars? Ford is on their way, no?
Big smile


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